A Journey of Understanding Own Religion

When I was young, I have so many questions about religion.

I remember when I was 5, I asked my mom if God is a man and angels are women.

When I was 10, I remember my friend questioning things like does Allah have hands? How does Allah look like?

I still remember I was scared of tomorrow (can't remember I was scared of what) but I was thinking that "it's okay, tomorrow will pass too! And I'll be alright."

When I was 13, I still struggling with my faith. I still have lot of questions and doubts.
Why why why are things like this or like that?

At the age of 20's, I try to make sense of the concept of taqdir.

As I grow up, I understand some questions are not worth to be asked because even they are answered, it wouldn't make any difference.

But still, along the way, there are always questions on my own faith. I mean, I question it. But what I am sure, I'm questioning it to make myself more firm with my faith. To understand my religion better.

Because as I grow up, I realised that the idea, faith and desire always conflicting each other. When imaan says A, but brain says B and heart says C. How can I incorporate all to make a wise decision and fair judgment?

When I believe things should be like this, but people do it other way round. When some religious people are doing wrong things and justify it using religion. When people with free lifestyle believes that religion just make people apart. When people are confused which is right and wrong? Which is acceptable or not?

It's hard to not questioning my faith when everyone and everything is conflicting each other.

Just a thought. A deep one.
Because at the end, what I want is a blessed life. No matter how hard it is
At the end, what I want is keeping my faith firm.
And at the end, what I want is to totally submit myself to the one and only God.

May Allah guide us all to the straight path and never let us go astray. Amiin.

Nak Terjun tapi Taknak Mati

There was time somewhere early this year, my highschool friend tweeted :

"Rasa nak terjun tapi taknak mati"

And I suggested him to do this one extreme sport which I think is fun! 

And guess what... Now I am literally in that situation. Rasa nak terjun tapi taknak mati. 

It's like I wanna make a jump and forget that I have fears. Damn, my fear has consumed me so much. I got triggered easily and easily feel irritated. 

I want to enjoy my jump and get that adrenaline rush. 

I want to love myself again. Because after all, I am the one who lives my life. I am the one who is responsible for my feelings. I am the one who is responsible for my actions. 

I want to let go of all my fears... 

I want to let go of all the feelings that make me feel miserable...

Scared

I am scared as hell. 

It feels like I am not doing things right. 

I hate this kind of feelings.

I try to ensure myself that this is hormonal.

But...I don't think so.

Even if this is hormonal, it has been rooted somewhere. And chaotic hormones just add up to the feelings.

My brain is playing tricks with me right now. 

And it somehow controls my emotions. 

I really feel like venting out.

But I'm afraid if... I'm being dramatic. 

So I try to discover the reasons I feel this way. And I found out... Maybe because my needs are not met. 

I never thought that I need what I need more than I expected. 

And maybe... Just maybe

I'm getting tired of trying to make sense of everything.

No matter how much I try, I could never understand. And no matter how much I try, I can't deny that I am hurt. 

I said what I said

I am hurt.

Engagement Day 💍

Alhamdulillah, I'm engaged 💍

I would love to write about my engagement day ❤️

First and foremost, fiance and fiancee come from an Old French words meaning "promise"✋ which ultimately come from a Latin word "fidere" meaning "to trust" 😇

I would say, engagement is a trust we put on our future spouse to not break this promise 😊🌹

(Candid photo could be the best photo, isn't it?)

To be honest, a decision to get engaged isn't easy for me 🤦. This is a huge decision. Those who know me would say "FINALLY!"  But insha Allah I made this decision consciously and firmly 🌸

A month before we got engaged, I asked him once again if he is sure about this and he said he's sure. Alhamdulillah, both are sure with each other. I mean, we all deserve someone who is sure about us right? ☺️

(People ask me if I was nervous on the day. I didn't really because I already felt nervous a month before hahaha)

I never know what future holds for us but we will always try to remember this:

"Aku tidak tahu apa yang Allah takdirkan untukku tapi aku bersangka baik dengan Allah"

"Taqdir Allah itu baik-baik belaka"

-nuurolsyakirah

My fiance once reminded us:

"Urusan jodoh ini sukar untuk manusia tapi sangat mudah untuk Allah."

13/7/2019 is the date we are engaged to each other. A step closer to make this relationship halal. We pray that Allah will put barokah in this journey insha Allah.✨

My intention of letting people know that I'm engaged is so that:

1) People will pray for this journey to be smooth until we finally tie the knot 🤵👰 and start the taaruf process all over again as a husband and wife. Really in need of your kind prayers 🌸

Beloved ibu and ayah 🥰

2) People will guide me throughout this process, give me tips and calm me down when I get overwhelmed 🤯

3) People will remind me to always be mindful (have taqwa) , to keep it moderate (not too lenient, not too rigid) and to always take care of myself ☘️

People say that this process would be challenging but this is the challenge that I'm willing to take🔥

Willing to take on the challenges?

Do pray for us. May all your kind prayers will go back to you in a better way 😊

P/s: some people might think that I shouldn't be too hype about this as this isn't 100% sure. But, I guess it's good to enjoy the present moment and to take note about the journey. We pray for the best and for the goodness. I should be reminded of how grateful I am to get engaged with this man and to know his family 🌸

Therefore, when there might be unpleasant things happen in between (Allah will definitely test us), I would always be reminded, I never regret taking this decision. Remember what Gottman (relationship psychologist) said : for every 1 negative interaction during conflict, a happy couple should have 5 (or more) positive interactions.

Moga kekal dalam ketaatan kerana fitrah cinta itu suci dan tak dicemari dengan derhaka kepada Ilahi✨

Alright, that's the end of the post for my engagement day. Insha Allah I'll write again about the journey when we both finally making a sacred contract (mitsaqan ghalizo) 🌸 Pray for us and may the angels will pray for you too 🌹

Ramadhan Diary : Missing Good Old Days

Assalamualaikum. 

It has been so long since I wrote here. So hi! Ramadhan Mubarak. 

I don't know if I'll be consistent to write anything here in Ramadhan but since today is the first day of Ramadhan, 

I guess I should write something (sementara masih ada semangat huks 😶)

Right. Last night I went to Masjid nearby my house to perform tarawih. 

Don't you think time flies so fast? Ramadhan this year is quite a surprise. I mean we were all expecting it but for me...I didn't do much preparation even though I got something in my mind on what I want to achieve this Ramadhan. 

I read my friend's status saying that she feels a bit lonely this Ramadhan because she celebrated it alone (she just started working this year). I can relate very well. That's what I feel too. Semalam rasa lonely sebab pergi terawih sorang-sorang  I just got back from shopping Kurma and stuffs then terus pergi masjid. My roommates went to Masjid together hee. 

Anyway ya...It felt different yesterday because since so many years I was celebrating Ramadhan either with my family or friends. Okay I admit that yesterday I really felt like crying. I did shed my tears (sikit je la nangis tu. Takdalah nangis sangat) 

It just that my heart feels something that I couldn't describe. The feeling of longing to the good old days. I miss everyone literally. But reflecting to those old good days, I'm so so much grateful that I experienced it before. I feel so blessed. May Allah keeps sending me good people whom I will cherish and makes my life worth living 💓

Apart from that, maybe I'm not prepared enough but I do looking forward to experience this journey. Ramadhan journey. I'm expecting that I'd learn something. I don't know what Allah wants to teach me this Ramadhan.

That's just my diary for the first night of Ramadhan. I hope I'm motivated enough to keep on sharing here. 

Bye. Ramadhan Mubarak again. 

Thanks for reading