I remember when I was 5, I asked my mom if God is a man and angels are women.
When I was 10, I remember my friend questioning things like does Allah have hands? How does Allah look like?
I still remember I was scared of tomorrow (can't remember I was scared of what) but I was thinking that "it's okay, tomorrow will pass too! And I'll be alright."
When I was 13, I still struggling with my faith. I still have lot of questions and doubts.
Why why why are things like this or like that?
At the age of 20's, I try to make sense of the concept of taqdir.
As I grow up, I understand some questions are not worth to be asked because even they are answered, it wouldn't make any difference.
But still, along the way, there are always questions on my own faith. I mean, I question it. But what I am sure, I'm questioning it to make myself more firm with my faith. To understand my religion better.
Because as I grow up, I realised that the idea, faith and desire always conflicting each other. When imaan says A, but brain says B and heart says C. How can I incorporate all to make a wise decision and fair judgment?
When I believe things should be like this, but people do it other way round. When some religious people are doing wrong things and justify it using religion. When people with free lifestyle believes that religion just make people apart. When people are confused which is right and wrong? Which is acceptable or not?
It's hard to not questioning my faith when everyone and everything is conflicting each other.
Just a thought. A deep one.
Because at the end, what I want is a blessed life. No matter how hard it is
At the end, what I want is keeping my faith firm.
And at the end, what I want is to totally submit myself to the one and only God.
May Allah guide us all to the straight path and never let us go astray. Amiin.
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